I don’t have the words to describe the emotions that I’m feeling right now. We have taken a long break from our fertility treatments and just focused on life. I have a new job that I love, I’ve been riding my horses, enjoying time with my wonderful husband, and getting projects done around the house. We decided we were ready to start the process for our FET (frozen embryo transfer) and now our feet are set on the path of the next part of our journey.
Fear. It is real. It is normal. We all experience it for different reasons throughout our lives. My brain is very good at putting things on a shelf to deal with later, the reality of our next step sat there happily for the last few months. Occasionally I felt twinges of anxiety when thinking about it, but kept it safely up there on the shelf collecting dust. Today the box fell off the shelf and burst open. Months of ignored fears and anxieties spilled out and filled my spirit. This is likely our last fertility treatment. Our last hope of having biological children. I’ve said this to a dear friend, “as long as our two remaining embryos are safely frozen, we still have hope. As soon as they are thawed and transferred, that’s it, we either sink or swim”. It’s hard being this vulnerable, opening myself up to what could be another disappointment, another heart wrenching loss. I think it’s a normal feeling to want to protect ourselves from pain, from loss. Yet what amazing things we miss out on in this life if we don’t take risks. Won’t we regret more the things we didn’t do than the things we at least attempted?
Even though it’s a scary emotional time, I know that it’s all worth it. Every part of this process for the last almost seven years is worth it. No matter the outcome, we will have at least done all we can to complete our family biologically. If we are successful we will be ecstatic, if we fail we will be crushed. Through it all we stand together, stronger for the trials we have walked through. I’m so incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband. It will be several weeks before we get to the point of doing our transfer, many appointments, injections, and hopeful waiting. Sooner than we think the day will come that will change our lives one way or another. Adoption is waiting in the wings, they want us to finish this process first. We can’t wait to be parents, and as I finish writing this a sense of excitement is starting to overcome the fear. We are one step, one day, closer to holding a child in our arms. Be it biological or adopted, he or she will be ours. I can’t wait!
I sought the LORD, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. (Psalms 34:4 NKJV)