Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27 NKJV
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 NKJV
I’ve been thinking about peace lately, the kind that is unexplained and all encompassing. Throughout this journey to home I have had many days of anxiety, fear, and trepidation. What if the current treatment doesn’t work, what if it does and I miscarry again? Little jolts of fear running through me, nagging thoughts dragging my spirit down into worry and doubt.
After our last cycle had to be cancelled I was sure that I didn’t want to try again, oh, I planned to go through the motions, but I was so thoroughly disappointed that I couldn’t imagine starting over again. I had not had a good attitude throughout the cycle that was cancelled and was pretty sure it was an exercise in futility even though I tried to believe that miracles were possible and present a positive face to the world. When we had to cancel the cycle it was like a punch to the stomach, see, I had been right all the time, this process was a waste of time and money.
After much discussion we decided that while we waited to begin the cycle anew we would start the process of adoption, as you probably read in a previous post we mailed off our adoption application. It seems like everything in this journey has had it’s speed bumps and roadblocks, in this case our application was lost for several weeks, it wasn’t until we mailed a second one that the first was found. We met with our adoption caseworker and she went over a mountain of paperwork with us. It’s amazing that they don’t require the donation of a kidney and the promise to give skin grafts to a burn patient, it sure feels like it when you look through the requirements to be approved to adopt! And the questions they ask, invasive doesn’t begin to describe the process. While I accept and appreciate that it is important to make sure that children are placed in homes where they will be loved and nurtured, and protect them from those who would exploit and abuse them, it’s frustrating to go through the process knowing that you can and will provide a happy home, but having to emotionally strip yourself naked in front of strangers to prove it is daunting. It’s worth it, oh so very worth it, but difficult none the less.
As I started to make my way through the mound of paperwork my body decided to end its hiatus from cycling and provide me with the opportunity to start another IVF cycle. Strangely, I had none of the anxiety and negative thoughts that have in the past normally come with the start of this process. I found myself actually excited to begin, hopeful, and expectant. Wait, I don’t even recognize myself! While I have always tried to be positive and hopeful, the negative thoughts and anxieties of the process have always managed to sneak their way in and take over. This time, I have had nothing but peace. “Peace that passes understanding”, I never understood this text until this IVF cycle. Inexplicably I found myself feeling “zen”. Jim noticed it, my friend Kayla noticed it, and most of all, I felt it. Now that isn’t to say that I didn’t have my moments of anxiety, even the fear that my cycle would be cancelled again, but these were fleeting and passed almost as quickly as they came. I have truly felt that God has filled me with this spirit of peace. I don’t know what this feeling means, is it a sign that all will go well and we will be blessed with biological children? Maybe, but I think it is deeper than that, it’s a feeling of strength, a knowledge that God is in control, that no matter what happens he has mine and Jim’s best interests at heart. He knows the desires of our hearts, he created us! He made us who we are, so I trust that God’s plan for my life will be worked out in the best way. I am so thankful for this precious peace that God has placed in my life. Whether this cycle has a happy ending or not, I know that my life will have a happy ending for God has promised: “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.” John 14:1-3 NKJV
It is my deepest hope and prayer that each of you will find the peace that God has so richly blessed me with.